I just poured my third cup of coffee this morning and laced it with some of that irresistible caramel coffee creamer. I swear they put crack in that stuff. I've got classic Christmas songs playing on the speakers, I'm wrapped up in a cozy sweater, and I'm side-eyeing the bag of Hershey's kisses across the room.
I just opened up my laptop and realized, "Man, I suck at this blogging thing. I should probably just own it and move on."
So, this is me, owning it and moving on. I suck at blogging. I always say "I'm gonna be better! I promise!" And then, I'm not. I'm sorry for that, I wish I was more disciplined to sit down and write more about my life every day, but I just don't have it in me during this season of my life. I know this season has lasted a long time, and I don't know how much longer it will last, but for now, I think I'm still in it.
It's just the reality of my life. I've got two small children, each completely delightful and demanding in their own ways, but they take up a ton of energy and focus. Scout is EVERYWHERE. Up the stairs in the blink of an eye (with no way to get down, mind you), eating dog food out of the bowl, trying to crawl all over her brother, climbing on the dogs, and ohmygod that girl NEVER stops eating. She's the cutest little menace you ever did see, that's for damn sure.
Rowan is in preschool five days a week, and he's making remarkable strides in his emotional and social development. But, he's still a four year old boy and as you can imagine, he never stops. He has two functions: 100mph, and dead asleep. That's it.
I'm still in the editing process of the book, which takes up a remarkable amount of creative energy and brain space. The process is good - hard, but good. I'm grateful for it, and my editors are brilliant. I'm really starting to like how the book is taking shape and polishing up. I'm getting excited for you all to read it.
And if I'm honest, I feel a bit overexposed. I wrote pretty honestly about the struggles of being a special-needs parent, and in a lot of ways, I'm glad I did. I think it's an important conversation, and I think there needs to be some honesty about what does and doesn't help regarding interacting with special needs families in public.
But the truth is, I've been writing about pieces of my life online for years now. I don't necessarily regret anything that I've written, but I'm constantly struggling with the desire to write and be honest, with the understanding that I'm an intensely private and introverted person. So, after I write about something very personal, like the struggles we have with our son, I tend to completely step back from sharing anything at all. I always mean to just dip my toes in the water of vulnerability, but it always feels like I get shoved into the deep end, and I can't get out and dry off fast enough.
I've also become good at keeping you at arms length. You, being any of you who read this little space on the web. I give you glimpses into my life, little peeks into the window - just enough to make you feel like you have a good idea of what's going on here. But really, you're just getting a glimpse. It takes work & a lot of effort to maintain that protection. Sometimes I open the door really wide and everyone comes pouring in, and other times, I draw the curtains and shut everyone out. The balance is difficult and it's tiring. Outside of being a stay at home mom to two very young children, writing a book, and being invested in our community here in SLC, It's another reason why blogging can seem so cumbersome sometimes. Vulnerability hangovers are a real thing.
We're coming up on the end of 2013, my year to Savor. This slow break from blogging regularly was also my way to stop and really savor my life. Rather than take a bunch of photos and find a way to write about my life, I actually lived it. I snuggled with the baby more, I played & wrestled with Rowan, I got outside and enjoyed the sunshine, I cooked more, read more, listened more. For the first time in a long time, I'm looking back on a year gone by and I'm not wishing I would have slowed down more. It feels good to say that.
So, with the coming arrival of 2014, will I blog more? I don't know. We all know I hate making promises I can't keep, so I'm not going to say I'll be a better blogger. I hope I will, because every time I sit down to write here, I'm reminded why I enjoy it.
But, for now, I'll just say that I'm glad that you still read. Even if I post infrequently, even if I ramble about nothing, even if you disagree with me on issues, I'm glad you're here. Thanks for sticking with me. I can't promise I'll blog more, but I can promise to try.